Actual things that actual members of the male species have actually said to me.

“You’re no easy rodeo.”

Might as well start with one that I still consider a compliment, many years later. I often contemplate having this as my epitaph, not that I want to be buried, but, you know.

“You are the worst human being that has ever lived.”

Okay, so he may have been a little pissed that I ran away to China, but really? The worst? Who has ever lived? I mean, I question the research methodology here. Can we talk about your sample size? I mean, what about Kublai Khan? Hitler? Pol Pot? Dick Cheney? Kimye? Chris Brown? My 8th grade math teacher?

“I didn’t tell you about my girlfriend the first time we hooked up because I didn’t think I would like you so much.”

Wait. What?

“I had to come see you to see if you were actually as pretty as I remembered. Does that sound bad?”

Um. Yes.

“Will you suck my dick? Please? Just for a little while?”

I know you think I am kidding right now. But no. Totally serious.

“I thought you were gay.”

Huh. That’s different.

“You are not really marriage material.”


“You are too smart. It is tiring.”

No words.

“You are just so average.”

Gotta give this one credit, after five years he really knew how to hit me where it hurt.

“Are you the one? Are you the one? Is this real?”

Probably. But it doesn’t look like you are ever going to figure this out.

“Do you live in the Mission? You have Marina hair.”

Um, do you mean it’s clean?

“We are going to have sex when you clear 36’6″.”

While I am sure there are more interesting interpretations, this is a triple jump reference.

“This is not going to be awkward at the office is it?”

Say it with me, “I will not date coworkers, I will not date coworkers.”

“You know, I know you can’t be making it up because you would have written a book by now.”

A former therapist spewed that gem.

“You’re just so much like a guy.”

This wouldn’t have stood out, except for the part where we were laying next to each other in bed. Naked.

“You should smile more.”

Oh fuck off.

“I want to lick your legs.”

I did not know this man. Not that it would have been improved by those circumstances, but, ew.

“You are just like Samantha from Sex and the City.”

No, actually I am not at all like her.

“Can I take a picture of your feet?”

To be fair, he was fawning after my shoes. But is that better? Also, I did not know this man.

“You don’t look 44/like a teacher/like a crazy cat lady.”

Really? That is strange because I am, I am, and I am.


All true. All verbatim.

No lie.


3 thoughts on “Actual things that actual members of the male species have actually said to me.

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