Have you seen this guy? [Character studies, 1]

  • Tom Cruise Height: Between 5’7″ and 5’10” (on a good day), but listed as 6’1″ on his various dating profiles.
  • Cartman Weight: 20/30+ lbs more than it should be, though carefully disguised as an intentional lifestyle choice.
  • Will Clark Hairline: Thinning in an inconsistent way, generally hidden by a cap – regardless of approach to middle age.
  • Highly suspect facial hair.
  • Wears Oakleys.
  • Standard attire includes dated preppy clothes, generally rumpled, and a cap.
  • Primarily dwells on the Internet, though seemingly would like to have more going on IRL.
  • Uses antiquated virtual images.
  • Armchair quarterback (totally lacking in athletic ability, and likely picked on for this at some time in his life.)
  • In fact, also armchair policymaker, food critic, and whatever else.
  • Has awkwardly bad taste in music.
  • Goes to lots of shows/bars/”restos” – alone but not in the cool, man of mystery way, because is furiously tweeting about how awesome it is and “why won’t anyone meet up with meeeee?”
  • Thinks he is Barney Stinson.
  • Is not Barney Stinson.
  • Most depressing element of misguided sense of self is that to be Barney Stinson at his age would just be sad.
  • Reports endlessly on amazingness of his life – via social media – which leads the critical thinker to wonder how life can be so amazing if every moment spent on phone.
  • Measures self-worth of others by the number of Twitter followers they have.
  • Justifies being ostracized by people as a result of their inadequacies.
  • Claims to be Twitter famous.
  • Believes that Twitter famous is a thing.
  • Jumps into virtual conversations he is not in, almost to the point where you feel bad for him… “Hey guys! Hey guys! Look at me….!” But, no.
  • Works hard to love all things of the “Rich & Famous” regardless of actual preferences – image is everything, or at least that is what he learned from that one commercial.
  • Always attempting to be at “the” place to be.
  • Always on his own, in spite of much talk of how popular he is.
  • Purchases all his VIP credentials.
  • “Cleverly” covers up begging for perks as being cheeky, generally by using emoticons, especially the winky face thing. Because, always on line.
  • Uses the internet to pick fights with strangers.
  • Trolls said strangers and then tries to get other people to start fights for him.
  • Blames growing trend of public dismissal of him on his haters.
  • Uses the term haters.
  • Also uses words like “natch” among a slew of other unfortunate abbreviations.
  • Tries to simultaneously be bro, jock, kind-senstitive-dude-who-is-single-by-choice.
  • Is actually single because he is unattractive and mean, occasionally tolerated because he buys drinks for people.
  • Berates everyone who disagrees with him.
  • Says he is all about the positive.
  • Is grossly negative.
  • Starts flame wars on the internet with misinformation and false accusations.
  • Took the clichéd suggestion of acting like the kind of person you aim to be too much to heart – wildly inaccurate self-appraisal in action.
  • Claims to be libertarian, is actually just ill-informed.
  • Believes himself incredibly well-informed.
  • Is not well-informed.
  • Thinks he is alternative by living in a progressive place and not being progressive.
  • Is a closeted bigot, misogynist, racist, thinly veiled by claims like, “All my friends are girls!”
  • Is, apparently, unaware of what it means to be “friend-zoned.”
  • Hates poor people and aspects of poverty to the degree that one wonders where his issues might come from.
  • Demonstrates his loathing of poor people by constantly playing up how much money he has.
  • While constantly talking about how much money he is spending, seems to miss the point that those who have it need not talk about it.
  • Firmly attached onto the hot topic du jour.
  • Of course, must be atheist.
  • Has several distinctly different personas – many would call this a personality disorder, but he says he just likes to mix things up.
  • Lacks the fortitude to be direct, always choosing to be passive aggressive.
  • Would never ever step up in a precarious real life situation.
  • The quintessential guy who would stand behind another and shout insults.


I was visuallizing Russell Brand’s character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall as I wrote this description, but on further reflection, Aldous Snow wouldn’t really bother with the passive aggressive, obsessive behavior, because while he was a total douche, he did have self-confidence. Then I thought maybe he was more like Cartman because  aggressive, prejudiced and emotionally unstable, and “a little Archie Bunker” sounded about right. But I felt bad making fun of a little kid, so no. Next I considered O’Bannion from Dazed and Confused, but O’Bannion definitely fought his own fights and this character would totally weasel out of that so again, no. The thing is, most of the archetypes of this character have some redeeming qualities in them, you know like the misunderstood heart of gold, or something. But the character I am envisioning is just absent that quality. Then I thought about these guys:

gal-tan-boehner-jpg 22_huckabee_250x375 Rick-perry3

But, their hair was all to good. So I got stuck again.

Ideas welcome.

Oh, and I will add this last image preemptively:



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